Okay, so I'll admit that I just got home after having three beers with a friend at a bar. For those who don't know me, three beers is my limit. This is the point at which I feel "happy" and definitely less inhibited than normal. So, I had this great LONG conversation with my buddy over these beers about everything from life and work to love and marriage. And, as such conversations usually go with me, I ended up with some great insight about myself that perfectly fits the objective of this blog. So, even though I'm writing this on Monday night, I promise to post it unedited on Tuesday morning (except for fixing typos and the like) even if I think it may be a little imprudent to publish anything written after three beers. Right now, this insight seems worth documenting.
I have always got along with people around me. I get along with loads of people who don't get along with each other. And, I've always wondered how I happen to enjoy hanging around with so many people who are so different from each other (and usually very different from me). Today, I was struck by the fact that unlike most people, I really have no interest in changing people. I have no drive to make people agree with me or to make people think the way I do. Whenever I meet people (no matter how flawed), I tend to focus in on the things they do better than me. That tends to dominate my view of all the people I meet. As a result, I tend to only see what they do that I don't and give a much lower weight to things they do worse than me. I am not interested in finding the flaws in people but am eager to unearth their goodness. One consequence of this is that I end up liking and admiring more people than the average person. Another consequence is that I focus on the myriad ways in which I am not as good as the people around me. I am also not shy about expressing my admiration for the things people do well.
I am guessing that people like being around those that constantly express admiration for the things that they do well (they tend to know what they're good at so this is not seen as false praise) and they like being around self-deprecating people. Whenever I meet someone, I start by looking for the thing(s) they do better than me. That forms the basis of my conversations with them. This is not faked in any way. I am genuinely more interested in what people do well than what people do poorly. So, I find it easy to make friends of people who are very different from each other. And, this is a key point, I honestly admire them for the things they do well. I find their weaknesses uninteresting and irrelevant. My insight is that I don't think that most people react that way. I believe that people look to find flaws in others to make themselves feel better. As a result, even if they don't express the thoughts, the feelings come through in their interactions. Don't tell me you haven't encountered people who you think are supercilious and condescending. As a disclaimer, I am certain that I have come across as supercilious and condescending at times. My point here is that it is not intended. I think I am a seen as a lot less self-righteous and irritating than many others. I don't think this is something I do consciously. I find this makes it easy for me to make friends and keep friends. As usual, I am not advocating that you do this. In fact, I don't think this is something that people can do consciously. Rather, while in my introspective phase, I find it is something that comes naturally to me and I truly believe in.
An outcome of this view of people is that I rarely encounter people I don't like. I frequently interact with people who have alienated themselves from others because of something they have said or done. But they tend to get along great with me. They confide in me about all the other rotten people around them and I can sympathize. I point out the things I like about them and they see me as someone who understands. My problem is that I can see everyones' view. Not to get too philosophical, but we all view the world through the filter of our own experiences, beliefs and values. When we try to ascribe meaning to the behaviors of others, we tend to fail to notice that we're doing so through our filters and so see deeper meanings in others' behaviors. These deeper attributions are often not true. The other person doesn't ascribe the same meanings to their behavior and see instead view their behaviors as harmless through their background of experiences and values. We then have the perfect recipe for misunderstanding and hostility.
I think what keeps me happy (I am rarely angry, depressed, or judgmental) is that I can see the other person's viewpoint. I can easily see always why they believe the things they do and so don't hold them accountable for their actions. Since my attributions are not personal attributions, nothing people do makes me like them less. Essentially, I believe that it's not them that feels that way, but the situation that is making them express their feelings in that way. So, there's just no point at being mad at you.
Since I know I can do some things better than others (but no one could possibly be interested in what I do better than them) but everyone has something they do better than me, I want to interact with them and talk about the things they excel in. I have no interest in talking about the things I do better in because then there's nothing to learn. Somehow, I think, this works well in building relationships. I also end up spending little to to no time converting people to my point of view. I assume they've got their views for a reason and there really is no reason for more people to feel the way I do. So, I end up doing more listening (and talking about their strengths) than talking about myself. Phew! I wonder if any of this will make sense tomorrow. This will hold the record for the longest blog post.
The fact I'm writing all this in a public forum itself may smack of arrogance and a sense of superiority. But, whether you believe these thoughts are genuine or not is not so important. I am not trying to make you, the wonderful reader of this blog, believe the way I do. I just find it interesting that I am able to make friends of people who may not like each other. And I like them all!
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