Rushing to Judgment

Sorry to keep harping on this theme of "being judgmental," but I just can't resist.

Remember the days and days of headline stories on the disgusting behavior of the Duke University Lacrosse team? Remember the condemnation of those players? Recall how they were portrayed as a bunch of privileged white racist kids run amuck? The program was suspended, the coach resigned, the kids were tarred and feathered and deemed dangerous sexual predators. Millions of us read these stories and passed judgment on the kids and shook our heads in dismay at how these indisciplined rich kids were a sign of the decay in our society. As usual, I was among those who agreed that these were terrible acts, but they seemed so extreme and the kids' denials were so vehement that "there's got to be more to the story."

How many of you know what happened to those accused kids? Well, after those wonderfully salacious headlines that were splashed across every newspaper, there continued to be very tiny blurbs buried inside the newspapers that suggested that the prosecution's case was falling apart and maybe the accused activities never took place. Today's paper had an even tinier article saying that the County District Attorney had just apologized to the players admitting that there was never any credible evidence of rape. When the players were accused, this man stood before the throng of media microphones and expressed self-righteous indignation at the outrage. He zealously pushed and brought these young men to trial. He proclaimed their guilt and the media lapped up the scandal with relish and enjoyed spreading the story far and wide.

How many lives have been destroyed because of people jostling before the media in order to demonstrate their righteous indignation at the behavior of these "rich white kids"? Jesse Jackson promised that his Rainbow/PUSH coalition would pay the college tuition for the black woman who accused the white lacrosse players of rape. Here's a great little blog note from John in North Caroline that expresses my thoughts better than I could.

I doubt any of you could know how it feels to be accused of rape, racism, lose your job, have a stain across your character all because of our love of sound-bite information and our rush to judge. Don't ever feel shocked at the stupidity of the people during the Salem witch trials. It's not just history.

Screeching Ladies Can Be Beautiful

It is probably not surprising to most of you that the more you know about something, the more you learn to appreciate it. I can point to hundreds of examples in my own life where I have disliked something and scoffed at people who like it only to learn more over time and then become one of those very people I scoffed at. When I moved to the US, I smugly smirked at people who watched football wondering how they could waste three hours watching fat men just smack into each other with no particular goal. I recall branding football as a slow-moving, pointless game. That's before a friend of mine bothered to sit with me at games and explain exactly what was going on. Today, I'm known to be one of the most vocal football fans around. There are hundreds of music artists I disliked and labeled "lousy musicians" until I learned more about the musicians and their background which made me appreciate their music much more. The list goes on and on. Even on societal and political issues, I have consistently discovered that despite easily making judgments about people and things based on what I read in the media, there is almost always more to the story. Digging deeper into almost any story will reveal that it is not as simple as the media makes it out to be. People are not as foolish (or smart) as they are made out to be. Reality is much more complex.

As a result, I have now moved to this extreme of "non-judgmentalism." I can't stand people who make broad judgmental statements about athletes, politicians, Americans, French, parenting, behavior, etc. because I always believe that these judgements are far too often based on incomplete information. The more you know, the more you can appreciate is my motto.

The latest event to reinforce this belief is my change of heart on my historically flippant comments about opera. I always thought opera to be weird. I mean, why do these women scream at such high pitches? How can you listen to hours of people screeching at high volumes where you can't understand the words?

In Milan last week, I went to see La Traviata at La Scala. My brother (who was paying for the tickets) insisted that I learn about the opera before going for the show. He gave me a short (about 60 minutes) CD that introduced and explained the opera. It didn't just outlnie the story, but provided some historical context of opera in general, the historical and societal context of this opera, some background on Guiseppe Verdi, etc. Then, it went through the opera act by act explaining not just the story, but also the singing and elements of the singing to watch for. After the show, I was a complete convert. It isn't screeching but an astonishing control of voice as a musical instrument. The elaborate sets, overacting and drama all make sense if you understand how opera developed as musical theater and who it was intended for.

I learned to appreciate and love the music. So much so that I ordered two versions of the opera on CD (should be arriving this week). I think I'll start seeking out more opera opportunities. This is why I love learning so much. The more you learn, the more you can appreciate. The unfortunate side effect of this is that you tend to see all sides to every story. If I ever ran for office, I would be the ultimate "waffler" or "flip flopper" and actually proud of it!

I've Changed My Mind (again)

I get a sense that "changing your mind" about something is seen today as a negative trait to have. Perhaps it started with the mocking of John Kerry as a "flip flopper" or perhaps the belief that someone who changes his or her mind frequently cannot be trusted has roots going back much further.

Frankly, I find that view quite puzzling - especially in today's information-rich world. Psychology teaches us that we're constantly forming judgments based on the information we have access to. As more information comes in, we are forced to change those judgments (of course, there is enough evidence that these judgments are resistant to change and the marginal impact of new information on judgments is smaller than if it was the first piece presented, but that is unnecessarily complicating for the point I'm trying to make). Since we are bombarded with so much information, and since that information is presented in condensed "sound-bite" form, I assume that most people form ealry judgments with the expectation that it could change as more information becomes available. But, I'm getting the feeling that "sticking to your guns" and staying with principles is instead seen as a more appropriate response.

Contrary to what you may believe, this has nothing to do with our current political situation. A friend recently warned me (again) that posting opinions on a blog is dangerous and will come back to bite me if I express a "non-politically-correct" opinion here. This warning hit me on several levels. First, it scares me that there really are people who think that freely expressing opinions in this country can get them in deep trouble. Second, he rejected my response that "these are just opinions based on the information I had at the time." He insisted that people are held to always believe things that they may have expressed at any point in their lives. While I must consider the fact that he may be right, I still struggle to understand this.

Perhaps it is my mental make up that focuses on evidence-based reasoning that I am always expecting to change my opinions when more convincing evidence presents itself. That is also probably why I get along well with people generally. I never hold anything against people in the long run. If you're nasty to me one moment and then do something nice the next time we interact, I am much more willing to shift my judgments of people to the favorable side than others. I find it difficult to hold grudges over the long run.

On the other hand, it could be that this expression of a willingness to change opinions is just a normal defense mechanism to prevent from ever being held accountable for what i say and write. But then again, maybe not!

The Path to Happiness Pt. 2

Okay, so I'll admit that I just got home after having three beers with a friend at a bar. For those who don't know me, three beers is my limit. This is the point at which I feel "happy" and definitely less inhibited than normal. So, I had this great LONG conversation with my buddy over these beers about everything from life and work to love and marriage. And, as such conversations usually go with me, I ended up with some great insight about myself that perfectly fits the objective of this blog. So, even though I'm writing this on Monday night, I promise to post it unedited on Tuesday morning (except for fixing typos and the like) even if I think it may be a little imprudent to publish anything written after three beers. Right now, this insight seems worth documenting.

I have always got along with people around me. I get along with loads of people who don't get along with each other. And, I've always wondered how I happen to enjoy hanging around with so many people who are so different from each other (and usually very different from me). Today, I was struck by the fact that unlike most people, I really have no interest in changing people. I have no drive to make people agree with me or to make people think the way I do. Whenever I meet people (no matter how flawed), I tend to focus in on the things they do better than me. That tends to dominate my view of all the people I meet. As a result, I tend to only see what they do that I don't and give a much lower weight to things they do worse than me. I am not interested in finding the flaws in people but am eager to unearth their goodness. One consequence of this is that I end up liking and admiring more people than the average person. Another consequence is that I focus on the myriad ways in which I am not as good as the people around me. I am also not shy about expressing my admiration for the things people do well.

I am guessing that people like being around those that constantly express admiration for the things that they do well (they tend to know what they're good at so this is not seen as false praise) and they like being around self-deprecating people. Whenever I meet someone, I start by looking for the thing(s) they do better than me. That forms the basis of my conversations with them. This is not faked in any way. I am genuinely more interested in what people do well than what people do poorly. So, I find it easy to make friends of people who are very different from each other. And, this is a key point, I honestly admire them for the things they do well. I find their weaknesses uninteresting and irrelevant. My insight is that I don't think that most people react that way. I believe that people look to find flaws in others to make themselves feel better. As a result, even if they don't express the thoughts, the feelings come through in their interactions. Don't tell me you haven't encountered people who you think are supercilious and condescending. As a disclaimer, I am certain that I have come across as supercilious and condescending at times. My point here is that it is not intended. I think I am a seen as a lot less self-righteous and irritating than many others. I don't think this is something I do consciously. I find this makes it easy for me to make friends and keep friends. As usual, I am not advocating that you do this. In fact, I don't think this is something that people can do consciously. Rather, while in my introspective phase, I find it is something that comes naturally to me and I truly believe in.

An outcome of this view of people is that I rarely encounter people I don't like. I frequently interact with people who have alienated themselves from others because of something they have said or done. But they tend to get along great with me. They confide in me about all the other rotten people around them and I can sympathize. I point out the things I like about them and they see me as someone who understands. My problem is that I can see everyones' view. Not to get too philosophical, but we all view the world through the filter of our own experiences, beliefs and values. When we try to ascribe meaning to the behaviors of others, we tend to fail to notice that we're doing so through our filters and so see deeper meanings in others' behaviors. These deeper attributions are often not true. The other person doesn't ascribe the same meanings to their behavior and see instead view their behaviors as harmless through their background of experiences and values. We then have the perfect recipe for misunderstanding and hostility.

I think what keeps me happy (I am rarely angry, depressed, or judgmental) is that I can see the other person's viewpoint. I can easily see always why they believe the things they do and so don't hold them accountable for their actions. Since my attributions are not personal attributions, nothing people do makes me like them less. Essentially, I believe that it's not them that feels that way, but the situation that is making them express their feelings in that way. So, there's just no point at being mad at you.

Since I know I can do some things better than others (but no one could possibly be interested in what I do better than them) but everyone has something they do better than me, I want to interact with them and talk about the things they excel in. I have no interest in talking about the things I do better in because then there's nothing to learn. Somehow, I think, this works well in building relationships. I also end up spending little to to no time converting people to my point of view. I assume they've got their views for a reason and there really is no reason for more people to feel the way I do. So, I end up doing more listening (and talking about their strengths) than talking about myself. Phew! I wonder if any of this will make sense tomorrow. This will hold the record for the longest blog post.

The fact I'm writing all this in a public forum itself may smack of arrogance and a sense of superiority. But, whether you believe these thoughts are genuine or not is not so important. I am not trying to make you, the wonderful reader of this blog, believe the way I do. I just find it interesting that I am able to make friends of people who may not like each other. And I like them all!