I was in a meaningless, meandering online conversation with a friend recently and I started wondering why, at the end of an hour of chatting, I still had this smile on my face. In terms of "productivity" I hadn't achieved much. We had each said several trivial little things and a few deeper, heartfelt things, and we ended the chat knowing we'd be doing this again soon.
I realized that what made this conversation special was that it was comfortable. I never had to think much before responding because I could be exactly who I am without having to put in the effort to sound clever, thoughtful, or deep. I think you have a best friend when you can just be yourself with them and not have to converse on tenterhooks wondering if some part of the interaction is going to hurt you down the line. You feel comfortable with them because you know they like you for who you are.
It's certainly not that best friends are blind to each others faults (I think those friendships rarely last). Rather the opposite. You acknowledge each others quirks and faults and issues and decide that the good outweighs the bad. When you know that they know your quirks and blemishes and faults and are still willing to spend time with you, you have a best friend. Once you know that you don't have to hide your own unique foibles and hangups from your friend because they're not going to reject you for it, you can just be yourself and have the kind of meaningless conversations and leave happy.
I had someone tell me once about their latest beau, "He's perfect. I just can't see any flaws in him." My thought to myself was "Uh, oh." Best friends, in my opinion, do not see each other as perfect or infallible in any way. The key is not to see no flaws, but to see the flaws, acknowledge them, and still decide that the good outweighs the bad and the relationship is worth pursuing. And, it's not even as simple as magnanimously declaring that you see your friend's flaws and accept them. It requires recognizing and accepting your own flaws. We are all quirky, irrational, and flawed in some way and unless we see that we ourselves have just as many quirks as the other party, there is an imbalance that will never lead to that level of "comfort" with the other party with which I started this essay. You not only have to see and accept your friends' flaws, but have to know that they have seen and accepted your flaws. Then you can relax and be yourself and have the sort of relationship of which dreams are made.
This dream relationship is not without fights, arguments or misunderstandings. In fact, I have got extremely irritated with the behavior of my "best friends" more than once. The flaws don't disappear in a BFF relationship. They often rear their head and lead to frustrations and disagreements. But, the difference with a best friend is that you come back. In the midst of your frustration, you know, in the back of your head, that you're not going to to discard the relationship because of this latest tiff. The good outweighs the bad.
That's why, in my obituary, I hope I don't come across as the perfect guy. I'd know people were lying and pretending that I was who I wasn't. Rather, the most honest compliment anyone could give me would be "at heart, he was a nice guy!"
I realized that what made this conversation special was that it was comfortable. I never had to think much before responding because I could be exactly who I am without having to put in the effort to sound clever, thoughtful, or deep. I think you have a best friend when you can just be yourself with them and not have to converse on tenterhooks wondering if some part of the interaction is going to hurt you down the line. You feel comfortable with them because you know they like you for who you are.
It's certainly not that best friends are blind to each others faults (I think those friendships rarely last). Rather the opposite. You acknowledge each others quirks and faults and issues and decide that the good outweighs the bad. When you know that they know your quirks and blemishes and faults and are still willing to spend time with you, you have a best friend. Once you know that you don't have to hide your own unique foibles and hangups from your friend because they're not going to reject you for it, you can just be yourself and have the kind of meaningless conversations and leave happy.
I had someone tell me once about their latest beau, "He's perfect. I just can't see any flaws in him." My thought to myself was "Uh, oh." Best friends, in my opinion, do not see each other as perfect or infallible in any way. The key is not to see no flaws, but to see the flaws, acknowledge them, and still decide that the good outweighs the bad and the relationship is worth pursuing. And, it's not even as simple as magnanimously declaring that you see your friend's flaws and accept them. It requires recognizing and accepting your own flaws. We are all quirky, irrational, and flawed in some way and unless we see that we ourselves have just as many quirks as the other party, there is an imbalance that will never lead to that level of "comfort" with the other party with which I started this essay. You not only have to see and accept your friends' flaws, but have to know that they have seen and accepted your flaws. Then you can relax and be yourself and have the sort of relationship of which dreams are made.
This dream relationship is not without fights, arguments or misunderstandings. In fact, I have got extremely irritated with the behavior of my "best friends" more than once. The flaws don't disappear in a BFF relationship. They often rear their head and lead to frustrations and disagreements. But, the difference with a best friend is that you come back. In the midst of your frustration, you know, in the back of your head, that you're not going to to discard the relationship because of this latest tiff. The good outweighs the bad.
That's why, in my obituary, I hope I don't come across as the perfect guy. I'd know people were lying and pretending that I was who I wasn't. Rather, the most honest compliment anyone could give me would be "at heart, he was a nice guy!"
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